Sunday, June 20, 2004

Bambi in the Crosshairs

Special thanks go out to reader Matthew for calling my attention to this next extraordinary profile.

Meet Bambi

Bambi is the only name I could think of that would come close to conveying her appearance. She is young. She has long, perfect blonde hair. She is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. In her pictures she is wearing standard attire for someone in her age – low-cut jeans with a waistline dropped down to the pubic line and a halter with some sort of built-in boobage-support apparatus. Given her appearance and raging hormone levels of guys her age, she is calling the shots. And call them she does in the following profile:

Why this girl doesn't date "Nice Guys"
Let's define some terms first. You may not agree with these definitions, but I'm going to use them for this rant anyway.

Jerk: Someone who screws you, then unceremoniously dumps you or, while feigning a relationship with you, screws around on you behind your back.

Nice guy: Someone who wants to date you, then marry you. Would never cheat on you. Optional: thinks you're just the greatest thing that ever lived.

Nice girl: Someone who wants to be dated and married. Would never cheat on her spouse. Optional: thinks her boyfriend/spouse is just the best guy in the world.

Notice the conspicuous lack of symmetry in Bambi’s definitions. For the nice guy there is the nice girl, but the jerk has no such counterpart. Shouldn’t there be a Jerkette? Don’t worry, there is. Read on . . .

OK. Why I don't date nice guys: No, it's not because jerks are inherently more interesting. Usually they're shallow twits. No, it's not because I'm a masochist. No, it's not because I have subconscious fears of a "real relationship." It's because I'm really not a "nice girl". Now, you'd never take me for a Sharon Stone ice-bitch type. I'm certainly capable of being polite and generous to my friends and family, but: I have a caustic, dark sense of humor completely lost on the average nice guy.

If she isn’t a Sharon Stone type of bitch, what kind is she?
Caustic. Now there’s a word not often encountered in dating profiles.

Some of the things I think could never be uttered in such a guy's presence. Kinda indicates that my mind works in different ways, no?

Oh Yes.

"Nice guys," when presented to you on a silver platter by a friend or other well-meaning person, tend not to be very attractive. But hey, they'll treat you right! Too bad. I won't date or bed a guy I don't find attractive. And no, a guy doesn't have to be gorgeous for me to find him attractive. He just has to have lived and have some sensuality about him. The words "give him a chance," to me, are the beginning of suicide of the soul. Men are never told to do that. I want what I want, just like men have always had the right to do, and I will get it or remain celibate and unattached.

No feminist lessons were lost on this little sex kitten. Chances at winning the Bambi prize are not given away; they must be earned. I can’t believe she broke out the “C” word in the last sentence.

I've had a lot of different experiences based on what I felt like doing at the time. Not all of those experiences are things that "nice girls" do. I'm not ashamed of them and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. The "nice guys" I meet just haven't been where I've been.

I'm Curious. Just where has she been? And how many other life forms (both macro and micro scopic) were with her at the time?

Either they haven't lived that much, or they have hard- luck stories as a result of their forays into unexplored territory.

Gee, I’m a nice guy and the vast majority of my forays into unexplored territory have not resulted in any hard-luck stories.

I'm not interested. I don't act like a "nice girl." I don't smile sweetly, keep the conversation going, feign interest in boring topics, or do any of the other things that the nice girls do. If someone's being a fool, I look at him funny or I excuse myself to talk to someone more intelligent. As a result of my forthrightness, men approach me and in many cases are forthright about what they want from the outset.

There once was a man who was forthright
Who wanted to bed Bambi all night
She said with a gleam as she tore at his seam
“With his balls in my hand I will squeeze tight”.

I can take it or leave it; it's not intended as an insult. The "nice guys" stay with the sweet, cheery girls, where it's safe. The not-so- nice ones, the curious, the adventuresome, and the restless, look for something different. Sometimes they find me. In short: I like men who remind me of myself. They're complex, difficult, unpredictable at times. It's hard to stay with them. And no, they haven't been classic "jerks." It's just not that simple. Can a woman find "true love" (what the hell is that) with anyone other than a "nice guy?" I don't know what true love is, if anyone thinks they know, clue us in, please. But she may have a damn good time. No, it probably won't be a 50-year marriage with 5 kids and 20 grandkids. It might not even last a month. But those brief moments may be more fulfilling than years of purported domestic bliss with a fenced-in yard and a fenced-in spouse.

Fulfillment. Isn’t that what we are all after in the end? Yet it remains so elusive. Perhaps our religions and philosophies have brainwashed us all into believing long-term relationships are more fulfilling than the intense moment of ecstasy that occurs after a steamy shagging session. Yeah, I can see myself sitting in a rocker at the age of 93, still grinning from the afterglow of an orgasm I experienced 73 years ago. Nice plan, Bambi.

I should at least be gracious enough to let her have the last words. Here they are for your amazement and reading pleasure . .

Favorite Things: If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Faith: I live by my own philosophies,based on my own personal experiences.No lebel could encompass the wonder that is me! I wouldnt call my thinking a religion per say.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Shoot High, Aim Low -- Ms. X gets the E-Date Chronicle "treatment"

This maiden post to The E-Date Chronicle gives the "treatment" to Ms. X, who I had the good fortune of being matched up with by the mysterious 29 important dimensions of compatibility of E-Harmony . Before I tear into the charming Ms. X, I should first point out that I love the concept of making matches based upon compatibility. But many of the matches I have received make me question the reliability and validity of the methods being used. I was particularly amused and dismayed by this particular match profile, snippets of which I have included below. I would love to have written a response directly to this woman, but the E-Harmony system prevents me from doing so.

Fortunately for us E-Daters, The E-Date Chronicle is now here for our spleen-venting pleasure. :-)


The Profile of Ms. X (marked ***):

*** I am passionate about staying in shape by running/super-speedwalking 6-8 miles every day. I am also passionate about life-long education and learning; I am working on a second MA degree just for FUN. And, I also have a passion for nature, wildlife, and pets. Another passion of mine is volunteer work. We are on this planet to be of service to those who are less fortunate

My Response: With the exception of speed walking, I happen to share the passions of Ms. X. In these few sentences Ms. X paints a vivid picture of someone who is disciplined (if not obsessive), intelligent (if not conceited), and compassionate (if not humble). At this point I am a little bit leery about Ms. X, but I try and follow the advice of E-Harmony that one mustn’t be too quick to judge lest their soul mate ends up slipping through their fingers.


*** I am searching for the love of my life, my soulmate, my future husband, nothing less! Thus, the love of my life is also searching for his future wife--not a girlfriend, not a date. He is COMMITTED and DEDICATED to finding his wife. He is a man of gallantry, ethics, integrity, and compassion. He is selfless and humble. I am most attracted to those in the helping professions: physicians, dentists--those who are helping humanity. My future husband has learned HUMILITY through his failures and disappointments, not his successes. He is fit, trim, and at least 5'10" and he is a homeowner

My Response: You have to admire Ms. X’s directness. She also seems to have a very clear idea of what she is looking for in a deity, uhh, I mean man. It is also quite evident that she is looking for a husband (why do I get the impression that she has never been married), however I am mystified as to how this woman can expect to one day float down the isle of wedded bliss without first going through the dating and boyfriend/girlfriend stages. Nevertheless, Ms. X obviously posses’ incredible empathy and compassion as evidenced by her attraction to men in helping professions. Perhaps it was her concern for brevity that limited her examples to physicians and dentists. I’m sure she would have equal admiration for garbage men, whose contribution toward the health of society is very great indeed. Ms. X also stresses that her future mate (God help him) must have learned HUMILITY through his failures and disappointments. Presumably this precondition is necessary so that he will be prepared for more of the same as he tries to live up to the expectations of his new bride. Last, but not least (I’m sure), Ms. X specifies some more tangible requirements. Alas, it is here that I realize I might never be Ms. X’s companion on the Love Boat. You see, even though I am 6’1” and in tip-top shape (not to mention handsome), I am not currently a homeowner. However, I do have a hefty sum of cash resulting from the sale of my home after my divorce. If only she would give me a chance, I’m certain that my net worth would more than compensate for my current status as a renter of a beautiful condo overlooking the beach. But I guess that I’ll never know because Ms. X certainly isn’t superficial enough to specify the monetary assets of her gallant knight in shining armor.


*** I do NOT drink alcohol, gamble, take drugs, smoke, or frequent bars. I am a moral lady with traditional values and a strong backbone. I am not a sycophantic, vacuous, fatuous, vapid, pathetic creature who follows the latest willy-nilly American whims and trends.

My Response: By this time it is becoming clear to me that Ms. X is not going to end up as my beloved soul mate. Unfortunately for Ms. X, my passions in life include going to Vegas bars and getting slobbering drunk as I gamble, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, and take an occasional hit from my pocket bong. Moreover, I’m pretty sure that I prefer women who are sycophantic, vacuous, fatuous, vapid, and pathetic, although I can’t be certain as I have misplaced my dictionary and can only guess at the meaning of these adjectives.

In conclusion, I don’t feel the least bit attracted to Ms. X who matches me on 29 important measures of compatibility. In fact, I am quite certain that I would find making love to an ice sculpture of Dr. Laura a warm experience compared to getting into the sack with this wretched shrew.

Better luck to all you on-line daters out there!!!