Sunday, June 20, 2004

Bambi in the Crosshairs

Special thanks go out to reader Matthew for calling my attention to this next extraordinary profile.

Meet Bambi

Bambi is the only name I could think of that would come close to conveying her appearance. She is young. She has long, perfect blonde hair. She is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. In her pictures she is wearing standard attire for someone in her age – low-cut jeans with a waistline dropped down to the pubic line and a halter with some sort of built-in boobage-support apparatus. Given her appearance and raging hormone levels of guys her age, she is calling the shots. And call them she does in the following profile:

Why this girl doesn't date "Nice Guys"
Let's define some terms first. You may not agree with these definitions, but I'm going to use them for this rant anyway.

Jerk: Someone who screws you, then unceremoniously dumps you or, while feigning a relationship with you, screws around on you behind your back.

Nice guy: Someone who wants to date you, then marry you. Would never cheat on you. Optional: thinks you're just the greatest thing that ever lived.

Nice girl: Someone who wants to be dated and married. Would never cheat on her spouse. Optional: thinks her boyfriend/spouse is just the best guy in the world.

Notice the conspicuous lack of symmetry in Bambi’s definitions. For the nice guy there is the nice girl, but the jerk has no such counterpart. Shouldn’t there be a Jerkette? Don’t worry, there is. Read on . . .

OK. Why I don't date nice guys: No, it's not because jerks are inherently more interesting. Usually they're shallow twits. No, it's not because I'm a masochist. No, it's not because I have subconscious fears of a "real relationship." It's because I'm really not a "nice girl". Now, you'd never take me for a Sharon Stone ice-bitch type. I'm certainly capable of being polite and generous to my friends and family, but: I have a caustic, dark sense of humor completely lost on the average nice guy.

If she isn’t a Sharon Stone type of bitch, what kind is she?
Caustic. Now there’s a word not often encountered in dating profiles.

Some of the things I think could never be uttered in such a guy's presence. Kinda indicates that my mind works in different ways, no?

Oh Yes.

"Nice guys," when presented to you on a silver platter by a friend or other well-meaning person, tend not to be very attractive. But hey, they'll treat you right! Too bad. I won't date or bed a guy I don't find attractive. And no, a guy doesn't have to be gorgeous for me to find him attractive. He just has to have lived and have some sensuality about him. The words "give him a chance," to me, are the beginning of suicide of the soul. Men are never told to do that. I want what I want, just like men have always had the right to do, and I will get it or remain celibate and unattached.

No feminist lessons were lost on this little sex kitten. Chances at winning the Bambi prize are not given away; they must be earned. I can’t believe she broke out the “C” word in the last sentence.

I've had a lot of different experiences based on what I felt like doing at the time. Not all of those experiences are things that "nice girls" do. I'm not ashamed of them and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. The "nice guys" I meet just haven't been where I've been.

I'm Curious. Just where has she been? And how many other life forms (both macro and micro scopic) were with her at the time?

Either they haven't lived that much, or they have hard- luck stories as a result of their forays into unexplored territory.

Gee, I’m a nice guy and the vast majority of my forays into unexplored territory have not resulted in any hard-luck stories.

I'm not interested. I don't act like a "nice girl." I don't smile sweetly, keep the conversation going, feign interest in boring topics, or do any of the other things that the nice girls do. If someone's being a fool, I look at him funny or I excuse myself to talk to someone more intelligent. As a result of my forthrightness, men approach me and in many cases are forthright about what they want from the outset.

There once was a man who was forthright
Who wanted to bed Bambi all night
She said with a gleam as she tore at his seam
“With his balls in my hand I will squeeze tight”.

I can take it or leave it; it's not intended as an insult. The "nice guys" stay with the sweet, cheery girls, where it's safe. The not-so- nice ones, the curious, the adventuresome, and the restless, look for something different. Sometimes they find me. In short: I like men who remind me of myself. They're complex, difficult, unpredictable at times. It's hard to stay with them. And no, they haven't been classic "jerks." It's just not that simple. Can a woman find "true love" (what the hell is that) with anyone other than a "nice guy?" I don't know what true love is, if anyone thinks they know, clue us in, please. But she may have a damn good time. No, it probably won't be a 50-year marriage with 5 kids and 20 grandkids. It might not even last a month. But those brief moments may be more fulfilling than years of purported domestic bliss with a fenced-in yard and a fenced-in spouse.

Fulfillment. Isn’t that what we are all after in the end? Yet it remains so elusive. Perhaps our religions and philosophies have brainwashed us all into believing long-term relationships are more fulfilling than the intense moment of ecstasy that occurs after a steamy shagging session. Yeah, I can see myself sitting in a rocker at the age of 93, still grinning from the afterglow of an orgasm I experienced 73 years ago. Nice plan, Bambi.

I should at least be gracious enough to let her have the last words. Here they are for your amazement and reading pleasure . .

Favorite Things: If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Faith: I live by my own philosophies,based on my own personal experiences.No lebel could encompass the wonder that is me! I wouldnt call my thinking a religion per say.


At June 28, 2004 at 12:53 PM, Blogger Dr. Strangejazz said...

Just read your stuff. I found it to be funny and cynical. The funny thing is this part caught my eye.

"The words "give him a chance," to me, are the beginning of suicide of the soul. Men are never told to do that."

Men are taught that. At least I was. So I guess I'm the exception to that comment. Keep up the rantings.

At April 23, 2005 at 11:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Nice guy" and "nice girl" are obviously gender-specific, while "jerk" is not. There is no need for a female version of jerk because it already may be applied to women.

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At April 3, 2007 at 1:56 PM, Anonymous Desdemona said...

At least she has the capacity to know that she is not a nice girl. Is this really a profile from eHarmony? I would have guessed myspace, from the sound of it. Then again, I suppose people like this are not uncommon.

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