Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Shoot High, Aim Low -- Ms. X gets the E-Date Chronicle "treatment"

This maiden post to The E-Date Chronicle gives the "treatment" to Ms. X, who I had the good fortune of being matched up with by the mysterious 29 important dimensions of compatibility of E-Harmony . Before I tear into the charming Ms. X, I should first point out that I love the concept of making matches based upon compatibility. But many of the matches I have received make me question the reliability and validity of the methods being used. I was particularly amused and dismayed by this particular match profile, snippets of which I have included below. I would love to have written a response directly to this woman, but the E-Harmony system prevents me from doing so.

Fortunately for us E-Daters, The E-Date Chronicle is now here for our spleen-venting pleasure. :-)


The Profile of Ms. X (marked ***):

*** I am passionate about staying in shape by running/super-speedwalking 6-8 miles every day. I am also passionate about life-long education and learning; I am working on a second MA degree just for FUN. And, I also have a passion for nature, wildlife, and pets. Another passion of mine is volunteer work. We are on this planet to be of service to those who are less fortunate

My Response: With the exception of speed walking, I happen to share the passions of Ms. X. In these few sentences Ms. X paints a vivid picture of someone who is disciplined (if not obsessive), intelligent (if not conceited), and compassionate (if not humble). At this point I am a little bit leery about Ms. X, but I try and follow the advice of E-Harmony that one mustn’t be too quick to judge lest their soul mate ends up slipping through their fingers.


*** I am searching for the love of my life, my soulmate, my future husband, nothing less! Thus, the love of my life is also searching for his future wife--not a girlfriend, not a date. He is COMMITTED and DEDICATED to finding his wife. He is a man of gallantry, ethics, integrity, and compassion. He is selfless and humble. I am most attracted to those in the helping professions: physicians, dentists--those who are helping humanity. My future husband has learned HUMILITY through his failures and disappointments, not his successes. He is fit, trim, and at least 5'10" and he is a homeowner

My Response: You have to admire Ms. X’s directness. She also seems to have a very clear idea of what she is looking for in a deity, uhh, I mean man. It is also quite evident that she is looking for a husband (why do I get the impression that she has never been married), however I am mystified as to how this woman can expect to one day float down the isle of wedded bliss without first going through the dating and boyfriend/girlfriend stages. Nevertheless, Ms. X obviously posses’ incredible empathy and compassion as evidenced by her attraction to men in helping professions. Perhaps it was her concern for brevity that limited her examples to physicians and dentists. I’m sure she would have equal admiration for garbage men, whose contribution toward the health of society is very great indeed. Ms. X also stresses that her future mate (God help him) must have learned HUMILITY through his failures and disappointments. Presumably this precondition is necessary so that he will be prepared for more of the same as he tries to live up to the expectations of his new bride. Last, but not least (I’m sure), Ms. X specifies some more tangible requirements. Alas, it is here that I realize I might never be Ms. X’s companion on the Love Boat. You see, even though I am 6’1” and in tip-top shape (not to mention handsome), I am not currently a homeowner. However, I do have a hefty sum of cash resulting from the sale of my home after my divorce. If only she would give me a chance, I’m certain that my net worth would more than compensate for my current status as a renter of a beautiful condo overlooking the beach. But I guess that I’ll never know because Ms. X certainly isn’t superficial enough to specify the monetary assets of her gallant knight in shining armor.


*** I do NOT drink alcohol, gamble, take drugs, smoke, or frequent bars. I am a moral lady with traditional values and a strong backbone. I am not a sycophantic, vacuous, fatuous, vapid, pathetic creature who follows the latest willy-nilly American whims and trends.

My Response: By this time it is becoming clear to me that Ms. X is not going to end up as my beloved soul mate. Unfortunately for Ms. X, my passions in life include going to Vegas bars and getting slobbering drunk as I gamble, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, and take an occasional hit from my pocket bong. Moreover, I’m pretty sure that I prefer women who are sycophantic, vacuous, fatuous, vapid, and pathetic, although I can’t be certain as I have misplaced my dictionary and can only guess at the meaning of these adjectives.

In conclusion, I don’t feel the least bit attracted to Ms. X who matches me on 29 important measures of compatibility. In fact, I am quite certain that I would find making love to an ice sculpture of Dr. Laura a warm experience compared to getting into the sack with this wretched shrew.

Better luck to all you on-line daters out there!!!


At June 16, 2004 at 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is funny.

At June 18, 2004 at 9:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being that I am now communicating with/"e-dating" the author of this website, I think I should be nervous. The good news is that he has not posted my profile yet (<:
I should add that I too have had some rather interesting(peculiar) matches via the e-dating medium-I'm hoping that this latest does not fall into that category. So far, so good-I'll keep you all posted (<:
My most entertaining "e-date" was a man that I communicated with, dated for a couple of months and was becoming rather involved with (if you know what I mean...) until I asked him why he still had his profile posted on if we were getting along so to speak...His reply (via email of course) was that he wanted to end this relationship and that he was going back into therapy to deal with his issues...! Imagine the guilt that I could have felt-I sent the poor guy back to therapy-Hell-I didn't even know he'd ever been in therapy! Oh well...just another chapter in the e-dating saga...
Good luck to all of you in cyberspace-we are all just trying to find the perfect match-and we believe that he/she is out there somewhere-just trying to find us...

At June 18, 2004 at 9:51 PM, Blogger boabhan sith said...

You've just been bittin'
By a scottish vamp.
And there's only one thing to do...
Just stay where you're sittin'
And come to my camp
Because I've got some culture for you!

At August 13, 2004 at 10:27 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

This is hilarious, truely a public service to humanity. Keep writing, because I'm putting you on my blog watch list. I keep reading profiles like this, and I really want to say exactly what you are saying, but I don't want the bad karma for being so vicious to those who deserve it!

At August 23, 2004 at 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great little blog you have here! I'm 46 F divorced and I have been looking around and finally decided to try the eharmony site, I guess the commercials got to me. I am finding that prior to paying, I had TONS of matches it seemed but I could not respond past a certain point. Now that I have paid, those matches are dwindling. I bet they INCREASE when I get to the end of this 3 month torture. The men they were sending me were ANCIENT. I want someone who can still function for a few years, as we move into older-adult status.. :)
Anyway .. I found your site and thought you might like another perspective.
I did email eharmony and got some half pre-constructed letter that sounded just like one of their commercials. I wrote to ask if I could re-take the survey because I wasn't sure how I had filled it out so long ago. They basically refused.

At August 31, 2004 at 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The truth hurts. As a typical lonely American consumer watching TV alone late at night I fell for the eH advertising spiel. I should have called one of the 900 #'s in the back of the newspaper. Some of the men they have sent me are ancient. They also send me men that I think I may have already elimidated in another lifetime. Be afraid. I should have.

At October 12, 2004 at 9:57 AM, Blogger Boolean Wombat said...

I feel your pain. I've been using eHarmony for the past four months, and some of the matches are just amazingly and stupifyingly INCOMPATIBLE. I've been spammed with Fundie Christians, latent lesbians, and women who are incapable of having or maintaining a relationship even though I expressly indicated that I'm not interested in damaged females. I do kind of wonder if eHarmony is indeed the dating equivalent of a slot machine and is randomly doling out whoever is available, not who is a good match.

At December 14, 2005 at 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you were too hard on the lady. So she's old fashioned and has good morals.

I also get sick of people who bash Christians. Personally, I find most Non-Christians to be trashy and smarmy, people with low values.

At May 23, 2006 at 11:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting. I met online and dated in person, or vice-versa, beginning in the early ninety's. One thing is apparent, damaged people are delusional and don't think they're damaged.

Be afwaid, be very afwaid!

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At February 18, 2007 at 1:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have fallen prey to the eHarm stupidity. I have a friend who actually found her current husband through them and is very happy. she recommended them to me. She, however, found him a number of years ago, at the begining of eHarm. I believe that a number of the "matches" are not even real. Just a ploy. They are greedy, money mongers.

At March 5, 2007 at 5:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At April 3, 2007 at 1:49 PM, Anonymous Desdemona said...

I think that it is the excessive capslocking of key words that is most terrifying about this.

At October 3, 2007 at 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am in the three months of EH hell.. and all I wanted was
dinner and a movie..silly me.

What I am often 'matched' with people who are really intense, deeply angry people..
refer to second set questions as in:

How do you feel about sex slaves,
spending the next 50 years locked
under my bed... and how BOUT THE
my ex- and her relationship to
the grassy knoll theory::::
unlike Bambi... this is usually accompanied by a picture closely
resembling the preacher from
Poltergiest 2 & 3. At this point,
my jaw drops a bit, and
I check to make sure the cat is
well.. alive and in the house.

So...the dinner and movie thing is not an option' in fast....

or it's meet me at the yahoo cafe
for 'so..whatcha wearing...?'

at a given age... we all have baggage...but does every EH match
have to come with every 'suitcase '

I realy just wanted to go to dinner
and a movie... I still have hope...


At December 3, 2007 at 4:44 PM, Blogger Diane Yoder, moderator said...

I get sick of Christians who bash non-Christians. Frankly, I think most Christians, especially Fundamentalist Christians, are trying to compensate for something else that is missing in their life, so they go about getting notches in their spiritual bedpost all the while never helping the poor, or feeding the hungry. The minute someone says to me "I'm a Christian!" I know they are going to lie, cheat, steal and do everything they can to get something for themselves while screwing me (literally and figuratively) at the same time. So, I don't use e-har-MONEY and I love your blog! Makes sense to me!

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